| I'm so lost... |
[Sep0909] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
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music |
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Sublizzzzime. |
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I don't know what to do or how to feel at times. I feel as though I make progress but most of the time I don't realize how much I'm digressing. The sadness takes a hold of me, and I know there is no one I can talk to. My friends have lives to attend to, others have children. My boyfriend has better things to do and his words fall short of mending.
I'm trying to make the best with the little I have, but positivity has never been my forte.
The only times I write in this journal is to reveal how truly sad I am to complete strangers who may or may not read this. Everyone needs someone to vent to, right?
I feel a little better already...
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[Sep0909] |
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music |
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Sublizzzime<3 |
] |
I'm afraid he's going to stop loving me one of these days.
The distance will take its toll...
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[Jul0709] |
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mood |
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tired |
] |
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music |
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Sublime... |
] |
Fourth of July was a complete disaster.
In an attempt to seclude myself to finish an essay on consciousness and technology, which I find to be an absolutely horrible topic, I chose to stay home alone. Before my mother and sister left, a family altercation in sued. We have to be the worst family known to man....
After several hours of writers block and contemplating whether or not I should pursue a degree in English, I decided to join my moms and drive an hour to my aunt's house. The festivities there were as expected: BBQ, family jokes and of course, watching my cousin and little sister light expensive fireworks in the backyard. Although it was late, I decided to go home and continue writing my essay. Twenty minutes in to the drive, my car dies, and I have to wait for my uncle and mom to come and diagnose the problem. I text Mikey, my bf, and asked him to keep me company...
This is where the night goes from bad to worse.
I felt like he was taunting me. I doubt this was really the issue, but he doesn't understand my insecurities and I lash out at him. He decided to tell me about a girl he was talking to at the party he was at. Apparently she thought she overheard him call her a bitch and she swung at him. I took this little story and warped it into something it wasn't. Text after text I argued with him about his subconscious urge to be with this girl.
Plan Sabotage Completed.
I wish I didn't feel so awful about myself.
I often-times think that he's going out with me as sick joke...
I love him, and I have never felt this way about someone, but I hate myself so much that it cancels itself out and I end up further back than before.
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[Jun0609] |
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I continue to sabotage the only thing in life that brings me joy.
I battle with insecurities, and I push him away.
For the first time in my life, I feel unworthy of affection and his love.
It's putting a strain on me mentally and our new relationship
...he'll tire from it soon; I know it.
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[May0509] |
My heart races faster than before...
Heart palpitations warn me- take it slow.
Lie in the shadows and ignite the soul
Battle with emotions
while temptation takes it's tole.
Am I wasting time
...or simply wasting away?
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| ... |
[May0509] |
I have nowhere to hide
But I will continue my departure backwards.
...I keep to the beat
Earphones obstruct the ambience
with a demolition soundtrack giving way
I keep pressing on...
Life stops short of miracles
& for all these unknown reasons
...I must listen
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