Chica Tu Tipo

I'm so lost...

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 08:03:15 GMT

I don't know what to do or how to feel at times. I feel as though I make progress but most of the time I don't realize how much I'm digressing. The sadness takes a hold of me, and I know there is no one I can talk to. My friends have lives to attend to, others have children. My boyfriend has better things to do and his words fall short of mending.

I'm trying to make the best with the little I have, but positivity has never been my forte.
The only times I write in this journal is to reveal how truly sad I am to complete strangers who may or may not read this. Everyone needs someone to vent to, right?

I feel a little better already...

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 20:47:40 GMT

I'm afraid he's going to stop loving me one of these days.
The distance will take its toll...

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 13:55:06 GMT

Fourth of July was a complete disaster.
In an attempt to seclude myself to finish an essay on consciousness and technology, which I find to be an absolutely horrible topic, I chose to stay home alone. Before my mother and sister left, a family altercation in sued. We have to be the worst family known to man....

After several hours of writers block and contemplating whether or not I should pursue a degree in English, I decided to join my moms and drive an hour to my aunt's house. The festivities there were as expected: BBQ, family jokes and of course, watching my cousin and little sister light expensive fireworks in the backyard. Although it was late, I decided to go home and continue writing my essay. Twenty minutes in to the drive, my car dies, and I have to wait for my uncle and mom to come and diagnose the problem. I text Mikey, my bf, and asked him to keep me company...

This is where the night goes from bad to worse.
I felt like he was taunting me. I doubt this was really the issue, but he doesn't understand my insecurities and I lash out at him. He decided to tell me about a girl he was talking to at the party he was at. Apparently she thought she overheard him call her a bitch and she swung at him. I took this little story and warped it into something it wasn't. Text after text I argued with him about his subconscious urge to be with this girl.

Plan Sabotage Completed.
I wish I didn't feel so awful about myself.
I often-times think that he's going out with me as sick joke...
I love him, and I have never felt this way about someone, but I hate myself so much that it cancels itself out and I end up further back than before.

Mon, 22 Jun 2009 00:36:41 GMT

I continue to sabotage the only thing in life that brings me joy.
I battle with insecurities, and I push him away.
For the first time in my life, I feel unworthy of affection and his love.
It's putting a strain on me mentally and our new relationship

...he'll tire from it soon; I know it.

Fri, 01 May 2009 23:11:31 GMT

My heart races faster than before...
Heart palpitations warn me- take it slow.
Lie in the shadows and ignite the soul

Battle with emotions
while temptation takes it's tole.

Am I wasting time
...or simply wasting away?

...

Fri, 01 May 2009 22:53:44 GMT

I have nowhere to hide
But I will continue my departure backwards.
...I keep to the beat

Earphones obstruct the ambience
with a demolition soundtrack giving way
I keep pressing on...

Life stops short of miracles
& for all these unknown reasons
...I must listen

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 20:34:45 GMT

OVER IT...

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 23:49:11 GMT

Who would have thought that at twenty-two years old...
My time is spent zoning out and "stumbling" on the internet. It's really a sad existence...

When I've decided that I am tired of being home...
I realize that the city of San Bernardino is a piece of shit.
I'm really not surprised that I can get meth easier than 4x5 film.
I called photo shop/supply stores all over the city, and I was amazed that no one knew what the fuck I was talking about.

"What? 4x5 film? For what kind of camera...35mm?"
-"Um no, 4x5 film for a 4x5 large format camera"
"Well we have 120 film."

120 film? REALLY? Totally different camera format.
I give up.
After school tomorrow...I'm taking a trip to Pasadena to buy some film.

I live in a county filled with FUCKING RETARDS.
Over it.

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 03:42:54 GMT

I feel incomplete.

I have to start taking pictures again...
A trip to Pasadena for film is overdue.
This week my camera and I will unite after a six month departure.

I think...

Fri, 24 Apr 2009 03:01:11 GMT

it is time to listen to some Sublime.

Feels

alright

to

sweet reggae music

Battered & Bruised.

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 09:24:07 GMT

The calls continued through the evening. Something in her still has his best interest at heart, even after her left her there to OD.
I was suprised when my mom passed me the phone and said "It's Dani. She wants to talk to you..." I remember gazing at her and then the phone. She whispered "...be nice" and walked off.

-"Hi Fatty"
and the sobs began. My heart broke, and I remembered how lonely I felt when I was 18 and left in a locked down mental ward filled with filth, disease and pure insanity.

We talked for twenty minutes. Apparently she cannot recall the two fist fights we had that night, and I could not be more thankful. She knows it happened, but not to what extent.

I'm debating on whether or not I should visit her. I know she needs me, and she knows that I am the only person who can relate to her.
I know she'll never forgive me if I do not go and see her, but having to look in her lost eyes and the bruised face that I caused is too much to bare.

I hope she knows how much I really do love her

...when I say I would kill for her, it's a promise.

Hey Fatty, I love you.

Thu, 23 Apr 2009 02:19:30 GMT

I don't know where to start.
The boundary of respect was crossed.
She's still feeling the effects of the Xanax or the dope. No one really knows what the fuck she's on. Through all the bickering, we have come to a consensus; she's lost. It's difficult to articulate what it is that I'm feeling. I often laugh to cover the pain, I yell because I can't believe how she let her self get to this point (or how we were too blind to see underlying issues), and i cry tears of regret and guilt. She hates me, and I can't seem to grasp why. I know things were said, and blows were thrown, but at the end of it all...we're sisters. I've heard she is still belligerent, and her threats to cause me bodily harm still run wild threw her mind. I should have known better. I am older...but she opened the gates, pushed my buttons and I snapped. Everyone refuses to see my point of view. Once again, I have become the "bad guy".

I still have hope that she will recover, but I cannot help but think that this time, she's caused permanent brain damage. She consumed more than her tiny body could handle. The phone rings constantly. Collect calls from the San Bernardino Mental Ward. Incoherence. I already miss the bond we had. I want to visit her, but I can picture it, and it wouldn't be good. She would most likely make her threats a reality. I know I can take her. I did twice that night, but I want to make ammends.

How do you say you're sorry when you aren't?
It shouldn't have escalated to that point, but I did what I felt was in my best interest.
I was being selfish.

For that, I'm sorry.

Mon, 20 Apr 2009 05:16:12 GMT

I'm not very good at keeping up with this.
I should try though.

Help me,

I'm falling down

Feeling now the cold, cold, cold, hard ground...

<3

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:39:54 GMT

I said I'd quit.
Nine and a half hours later, I find myself impatiently and eagerly waiting in line at "Fiesta Liquor"
All for one pack.
By midnight the pack is devoured.
This happens when you're drinking profusely.
I lack self control.
I'm slipping and I just can't hide.

I often find myself lost in the beat of the music.
It sounds cliche, but somehow it all relates to the loneliness I feel inside.
Lately, I've realized that family are the only people to count on:
Not Veronica.
Not Catrina.
Not Javi.
Not Nick.
Not Miguel.
Not Sideburns.
False promises of friendship opens your eyes.
The phone no longer rings. When it does it about their problems or mere boredom.
She's often remembered saying "What other reason is there to call if i'm not bored?"

Pathetic twenty-two years of existence thus far.

On a lighter note... JoelPAC and I are BFF's :D

Don't Push.

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 03:04:34 GMT

I feel sick all the time.
I smoke too much.
I drink alone.

I am estranged from childhood friends.
Two jobs are useless when the hours accumulate to less than one part time job.

We've lost our home.
We've lost our dignity.
We've lost a piece of our foundation

One of these days...

it'll be good again.

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 01:09:24 GMT

Since I lack friends to speak with on a daily basis...
I decided to pour my emotions of abandonment within the confines of this online journal once more...

hm.

New Journal...

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 00:39:33 GMT

New Beginnings.

Get OUT!